im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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