my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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