he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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