The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
