I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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