im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
