I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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