it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
