Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
