"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
