There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize