Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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