Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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