doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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