tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
