Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
