I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
