Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
