I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
