She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
