He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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