i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
