I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
