Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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