Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
