Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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