I need to stop coming to work sober
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
