You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
