My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
