I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize