you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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