Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I still have a little drunk in my system
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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