I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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