You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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