god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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