k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
