I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
a search helicopter?!
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
