My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
