True but thats because hes a fetus.
I wish I only lived at night.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
