then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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