I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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