My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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