Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
you had me at cake vodka
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
