when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
