I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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