who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
