I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
