i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
