I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
