my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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