i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
