Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize