Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
