Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
