Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
