I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Someone came in the potted fern
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
