i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
