Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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