You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
