Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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