I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
